1 00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,455 Previously on Call Me Fitz. 2 00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,718 You got yourself a life sentence the second 3 00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,460 you whipped your dick out of your pants Fitzpatrick. 4 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,028 There's no escaping parenthood. 5 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,899 First they sabotauged our insurance claim. 6 00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,944 Now they outbid us on the new fleet. 7 00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,685 Someone is trying to bring us down. 8 00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,339 Let me see the little guy. 9 00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,471 Free with every purchase. 10 00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,690 You have got beautiful eyes. 11 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:39,604 [cash register bell] 12 00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:41,041 Just like your daddy. 13 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,085 We're rebranding. 14 00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,869 Fitzpatrick Family Motors. 15 00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,263 So now you want the kid? 16 00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:49,397 I am all he has, I am his home. 17 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:52,008 I'll send a caseworker for a home visit today. 18 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,923 Where are we supposed to find a house with no money, 19 00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,272 no one to vouch for us and... 20 00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:56,230 No! 21 00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,361 What's my cut? 22 00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,755 Two hits of crank and some lip balm? 23 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:00,843 I gotta get the dealership back 24 00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:01,887 on track. 25 00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:04,020 And this kid, he's our angle. 26 00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,197 So we're a fucking family, now what? 27 00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,986 Shockingly, everything seems to be in order. 28 00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,423 We'll see you next week. 29 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:17,990 [gasp] 30 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,383 What do you mean next week? 31 00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:21,081 Court ordered visits for the first six months. 32 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,779 All Fitzpatricks in the same home. 33 00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:26,738 So we can keep an eye on you. 34 00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:42,406 ♪ A choir hums A Closer Walk With Thee ♪ 35 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,148 Times like this, a man can't help but think 36 00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,846 the Good Book had it right. 37 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:51,285 You know, the part with the raping and the pillaging, 38 00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:55,158 where the wolf screws the lamb and the leopard blows the lion - 39 00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,943 Or however the fuck that goes. 40 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,166 Anyway, the one that ends with the kid. 41 00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:06,822 The kid that shall lead them. 42 00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:10,173 I know exactly how the old man upstairs felt. 43 00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:14,438 Because this little shit- dispenser is gonna lead me 44 00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:17,267 to cold, hard cash. 45 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:22,403 [laughs] 46 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:32,021 [♪ ♪] 47 00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:34,328 I told you this family-friendly crap 48 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,894 was an ass move. 49 00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:46,122 Fuck. 50 00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:50,822 [♪ ♪] 51 00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:57,002 ♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪ 52 00:02:57,002 --> 00:03:02,269 ♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪ 53 00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:08,231 ♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪ 54 00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:13,236 ♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪ 55 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:16,674 ♪ With out you 56 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:24,421 ♪ Without youuu 57 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:27,424 ♪ Without you. 58 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,258 You think you're having a tough day? 59 00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:37,869 Some asshole painted over my billboard 60 00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,741 with a glory hole ad. 61 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,917 Yeah, we never owned that billboard, dude. 62 00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,266 Listen up, you back-waxing wop. 63 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,963 I'm Ken goddamned Fitzpatrick! 64 00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:48,706 You think I can't unload these shitboxes? 65 00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,795 Oh yeah? 66 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,841 Nobody hangs up on-- 67 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,280 This loan shark is balls deep in my ass 68 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,674 and your little bastard's coming up donuts. 69 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,328 It's a baby's fault your geriatric ass 70 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,720 can't run a fucking business? 71 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,939 No, it's yours. 72 00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,332 The dick trap who came up with this 73 00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:06,768 family angle. 74 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:09,945 Now we've got a fleet of twat boxes to unload. 75 00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,513 Ah, sorry as you were. 76 00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,342 Relax, I know what I'm fucking doing. 77 00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:17,300 Look, we ran our old place off a cheapskates, 78 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,477 and getaway cars, and premium scrap. 79 00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,783 What the hell do you know about 80 00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,350 pushing a family angle? 81 00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:26,178 I know this-- if the moms won't 82 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,659 come to Fitzy, Fitzy will come 83 00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,705 to the moms... 84 00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:31,793 Ah, man again? 85 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:32,663 [baby giggles] 86 00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,406 I don't know why you're talking to me. 87 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,929 I already told you Richard is the one 88 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,017 who needs help. 89 00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:42,064 Look, I know he can be a good father. 90 00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,239 He just... 91 00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,675 he's got problems. 92 00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,764 Oh, he's got problems? 93 00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:49,114 This guy thinks he can eat styrofoam. 94 00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:53,075 Here's a woman enjoys coitus with lawn ornaments. 95 00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:55,730 This next one he's a compulsive finger-licker, 96 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,558 but not his own, and the last guy 97 00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,907 I interviewed, 98 00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:01,779 took a shit in that chair. 99 00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:05,783 Well, ah, I assure you 100 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:09,178 I am one hundred percent sane, mister. 101 00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,136 Oh, I'm sorry, this court-ordered 102 00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:13,661 psych evaluation must be wrong. 103 00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,402 It, it says here you need to have your 104 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:18,709 mentally-unbalanced ass assessed or you get 105 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:23,018 detained for being a threat to a kid. 106 00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:24,846 I'm not the one who left a dead grandmother 107 00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,326 in the basement! 108 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,501 We checked. 109 00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:31,331 Zero dead grandmother, one ranting lunatic. 110 00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:33,855 I was angry. 111 00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,813 Who then proceeded to strip down to his underwear. 112 00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:36,771 And warm. 113 00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,077 Polyesters make me damp. 114 00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,427 Sit your ass down, chief, 115 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,647 let me run through this checklist of questions. 116 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,823 Look, don't say anything stupid for 117 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,608 the next sixty seconds and we'll both get 118 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,740 the hell out of here. 119 00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,089 Don't worry. 120 00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,136 I am emotionally and psychologically solvent... 121 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,746 Which isn't easy when you're the living, 122 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,923 breathing embodiment of another man's conscience. 123 00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,014 Fuck you, Monday. 124 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:21,468 [♪ ♪] 125 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,861 You smoke in front of your kid, asshole? 126 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,297 Lucky for him my windows were open, 127 00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,474 thanks to my half-tint Power Glides: 128 00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,563 Ventilation at the touch of a button. 129 00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,738 Who the fuck are you? 130 00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:32,783 Richard Fitzpatrick, president and CEO of 131 00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:35,307 Fitzpatrick Motors, the finest selection of 132 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,353 pre-owned family friendly vehicles 133 00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,702 this side of Detroit. 134 00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:39,921 A used car salesman. 135 00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,097 Woah, woah, woah, that is no ordinary 136 00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:44,578 pre-owned vehicle, it also comes with a 137 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,318 gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese. 138 00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,582 Please don't tell me that place still exists. 139 00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,410 My kid had nightmares for months. 140 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,759 Singing mice. 141 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,717 Hey it's cheap, employs hot coeds 142 00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,502 and serves bottomless moo juice. 143 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,851 Cow milk? 144 00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,287 Soleil gets only free-range goat. 145 00:06:58,287 --> 00:06:59,767 Or almond, which I import from 146 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:00,811 an organic farm - 147 00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,683 You see, we have so much in common. 148 00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,467 I too am a new parent, struggling to 149 00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,208 raise my child. 150 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,822 I was CEO of a Fortune 500 company, 151 00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:12,910 you want to impress me? 152 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:15,478 Show up in a Learjet. 153 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,481 Feisty. 154 00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:19,656 Fitzy like. 155 00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:24,052 Another dad called me feisty once, 156 00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,749 and we all know what happened to him. 157 00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:30,624 [mean laughter] 158 00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,626 You think that's goddamn funny? 159 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:33,670 No. 160 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:36,673 Using a precious, innocent life force 161 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,632 to sell scrap metal deathtraps? 162 00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,851 How dare you spit on the happiest moment 163 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,332 of my life!!! 164 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,855 [tires squeal] 165 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,207 So you live inside the mind 166 00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,340 of a used car salesman. 167 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,602 Pre-owned! 168 00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:55,257 It's not that difficult to understand. 169 00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,085 Richard lacks a moral compass, 170 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,217 so I provide him with direction. 171 00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:00,305 Helpful hints. 172 00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:04,309 Like hangover cures for the soul. 173 00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,094 So how does this tie into your one man 174 00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,661 naked conga-line? 175 00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,533 Look, every man has his limits, okay, 176 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,404 and mine happens to be finding the remains of 177 00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:15,625 a dead grandmother neglected in a basement. 178 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:19,020 Oh goody, he's deflecting back to the grandmother. 179 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,674 Let's talk about this so called 180 00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:22,589 "Grandmother." 181 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,634 Don't you air-quote me, mister! 182 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:25,983 She was real! 183 00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:28,638 You need to quit yelling. 184 00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,685 Okay. 185 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,077 Or at least she was real. 186 00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:35,776 Maybe she's a manifestation of your own loneliness. 187 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,560 Ever think of that one ace? 188 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,475 I mean what if, and I'm going out 189 00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:42,870 on a limb here, nobody likes ya? 190 00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,090 That's not very nice. 191 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,354 Richard likes me. 192 00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,834 Or at least, he used to. 193 00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,794 And the wrapper comes off the nutbar. 194 00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,970 So tell me, what's changed over at 195 00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,842 Functional Family HQ? 196 00:08:58,842 --> 00:08:59,930 Nothing. 197 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,410 Everything's fine. 198 00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:06,720 What could possibly have changed? 199 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,069 Fuck! 200 00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:09,984 When did new moms become sushi-eating, 201 00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,812 home-schooling, yoga sluts? 202 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,727 They don't make them like they used to, baby. 203 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:14,728 What the fuck do those entitled skanks 204 00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:16,077 know about parenting anyway? 205 00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,644 I mean I do my time. 206 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,298 I wipe this little turd-monkey's ass. 207 00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:21,604 It's not like he pulls his weight around here. 208 00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,432 Fucker doesn't even like my jokes. 209 00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,216 What's the matter, little Fitzy? 210 00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,218 Can't function without your homo friend? 211 00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,480 Fuck Larry. 212 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,526 AWOL just like this little shit's mother. 213 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,009 Ugh, why does this taste like ass? 214 00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,750 It's cheese spread on crackers 215 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:37,838 it's a summer classic. 216 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:38,882 What summer? 217 00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,580 1984. 218 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,059 Alright, you want to keep 219 00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,191 living here rent free? 220 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,148 You better start earning it. 221 00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,019 Up the snacks. 222 00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,150 And you. 223 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:46,803 Do you think it's easy to pull this 224 00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,413 shit-train solo? 225 00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,415 Don't be such a pussy. 226 00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,634 You let a bunch of moms throw you 227 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,027 out of the playground. 228 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,681 Just like in third grade when that little redhead 229 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,899 stole your smokes and left you crying 230 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:58,032 on the ground with your thumb up your ass. 231 00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,686 She weighed two hundred pounds! 232 00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,427 You never could face up to strong women. 233 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:08,172 Two words Mom: Fuck, followed by you. 234 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,260 Your daddy is scared of 235 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,697 strong women. 236 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:13,134 Did you know that baby? 237 00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,744 Get out of my room asshole! 238 00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:15,832 MOM!!! 239 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,486 Goddammnit! 240 00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:20,620 You even lost your room to a girl. 241 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,579 [laughter] 242 00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:26,451 [tires screech] 243 00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,585 Well, if it isn't Power Glide. 244 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,413 I thought you ran home to mommy. 245 00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,502 Did not. 246 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,678 I'm late for Pilates. 247 00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:39,116 You think you can bully me? 248 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,771 Think again, you latte-guzzling, 249 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,034 mommy-blogging Spanx-monkey. 250 00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,515 I'm not the enemy here. 251 00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,212 THEY ARE! 252 00:10:48,212 --> 00:10:49,736 I took a bite of my hangover burrito this morning 253 00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,913 while changing this asshole's diaper and I tasted 254 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,089 actual human shit. 255 00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,917 I was so bagged last night from his wailing 256 00:10:56,917 --> 00:11:00,485 that I only whacked off once, and I didn't even care 257 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,618 because I am no longer human. 258 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,054 I am a twenty-four- hour slave 259 00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:08,145 to a shit-producing, ear-busting carpet grub. 260 00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:11,671 So fuck your vegan bullshit baby food and your 261 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,585 desk-humping husband. 262 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:18,765 This parent shit is like sticking your dick in a vice. 263 00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,507 Not that I did. 264 00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:23,378 But I'm willing to give it a try 265 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,597 if that's your thing. 266 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:28,775 Wait! 267 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,127 You're wrong about me. 268 00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:34,694 My fucking kid's spoiled rotten, 269 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,043 my fucking husband's screwing his 270 00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,480 dental hygienist, and I was once a 271 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,960 captain of industry. 272 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,398 I ran Ironman's, and I had a coot so tight 273 00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:46,314 I could open a Corona through my J-Brands. 274 00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,360 Now my tits are destroyed, my ass is like a 275 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,841 fucking waffle cone and I haven't been laid 276 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,843 in eight months. 277 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:56,237 Do I need a third trip to the playground today? 278 00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,629 No, I do not. 279 00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:01,416 What I need is a stiff drink, and a stiffer dick. 280 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:04,724 I need some motherfucking me time! 281 00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:12,862 Yes, yes, DOUBLE-SCOOP FOR MOMMY'S 282 00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:15,169 WAFFLE CONE!! 283 00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:15,909 Yeah, yeah! 284 00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:17,780 Yes! Oh! 285 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:18,825 YES! 286 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:32,360 [♪ ♪] 287 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,753 How's that for knowing your customer, 288 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,929 you festering cum-sock? 289 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:39,933 Where the fuck are all the cars? 290 00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,673 The customer fairy came and bought 291 00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,111 them all up at twice the book rate. 292 00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:46,591 What the fuck do you think happened, dicktard? 293 00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:47,767 They were repossessed. 294 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,725 I leave you alone for three fucking hours 295 00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,640 and you get us repo'd by a loan shark? 296 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,033 They showed up with a transport truck full of 297 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,687 muscle while you were busy greasing your joint. 298 00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,559 Once again I got to bail out your 299 00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:58,386 senile ass. 300 00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:00,214 Give me the fucking phone. 301 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,216 It's in the office. 302 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:15,403 [♪ ♪] 303 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,012 Fuck. 304 00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:23,498 [♪ ♪] 305 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:23,933 Bourbon. 306 00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,021 Scotch. 307 00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:25,587 Vodka. 308 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,110 Hey, Deja vu. 309 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:30,331 Is an album by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, 310 00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,202 as neither of us have ever seen 311 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,813 these people before. 312 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,293 Way to drop the anvil old man. 313 00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,468 What the hell kinda loan shark 314 00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:38,513 are you dealing with? 315 00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,123 Someone on this strip is trying 316 00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:41,298 to fuck our dealership. 317 00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:42,517 This means war! 318 00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,301 We've got forty-eight hours to find 5-K, 319 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,476 or our trailer's going to end up 320 00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:46,913 in a chop shop. 321 00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:54,572 Hello, 322 00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:01,710 Ladies. 323 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:02,667 Well, well. 324 00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,321 We were just talking about you. 325 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,757 Kendra here could use a little 326 00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,629 "me time" herself. 327 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,066 I like women who speak fluent Fitz. 328 00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,938 One at a time, or have you learned 329 00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,417 how to share? 330 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,594 Three bills. 331 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,552 Excuse me? 332 00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,901 This is a private conversation. 333 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:19,859 Save it. 334 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,164 You want a little Fitzy action? 335 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,296 Cough it up. 336 00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,428 Mom! 337 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:25,255 Two. 338 00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:27,736 Two-fifty, money up front. 339 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:39,095 You'll get your me time tomorrow at 2. 340 00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:42,882 And be sure and tell all your friends. 341 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:48,670 What the fuck was that? 342 00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:49,758 Have I taught you nothing? 343 00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,674 When opportunity knocks, you let it in, 344 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,806 you get it drunk, and you fuck it with 345 00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,331 a strap-on until its ears bleed. 346 00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,942 Yeah, well profit is all about volume. 347 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,292 And little shit here has only got one dick. 348 00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,467 On a good day. 349 00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,468 Fuck you! 350 00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:05,861 That's always been your problem. 351 00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:06,775 You think small. 352 00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,298 This isn't just about sex. 353 00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:10,648 Those broads are all kinds of deprived. 354 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,215 You want to make money to get your 355 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,216 dealership back? 356 00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:16,176 Here's how it's gonna roll... 357 00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,744 OK, first we get the word out for a 358 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,050 one-time-only event... 359 00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:24,358 Now I've got the digs, so I get fifty percent 360 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,968 of the house. 361 00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:28,666 Our cover is a babysitting service. 362 00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:31,713 I'll watch the little shits while you clowns 363 00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:33,671 get down to business. 364 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,673 And by business, I mean pampering 365 00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,458 the hell out of their spoiled asses at 366 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:42,028 a hundred and fifty per cent over fair market value. 367 00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,334 A guilt-free paradise. 368 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:47,685 Whatever they want: Korean foot massage, 369 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:53,735 crantinis, a couple of lines, a quickie with numbnuts, 370 00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,519 butter... 371 00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,086 Brothel with a twist. 372 00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,609 As long as we keep the heat off. 373 00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:01,612 And I'm not talking about the cops. 374 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:05,529 Oh my golly. 375 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,531 Maybe I'm jealous. 376 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,577 I used to be the most important person 377 00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:10,578 in Richard's life. 378 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,755 What's so great about a baby? 379 00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:16,105 I don't know, ask your parents. 380 00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,498 Oh wait, you don't have any, 381 00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:19,630 because you're a living, breathing conscience. 382 00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,981 That baby doesn't even respect me. 383 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,375 It makes me feel as if I don't count. 384 00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:27,769 Can you even imagine what that feels like? 385 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,684 Really? 386 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:32,382 Do you know what I do every day? 387 00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:35,733 Just sit here and listen to asshole after asshole 388 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:39,476 talk about their self-created problems. 389 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,565 Which must be horrible. 390 00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,050 How's that make you feel Leonard? 391 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,747 Are-are you alright Leonard? 392 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,576 Are those tones of isolation I'm reading? 393 00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,710 This sessions over. 394 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,277 No, no, no, no it's not. 395 00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,800 I think we're just getting started. 396 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,890 Projection, perhaps, Leonard? 397 00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,892 One man manifesting his loneliness? 398 00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,025 That doesn't even make any sense! 399 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,636 And you know nothing about my situation. 400 00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,725 Which is why it's so great that we can build 401 00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,292 this bridge together. 402 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:16,165 How about a little therapy Leonard, 403 00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:22,867 or "Larrapy," if you will? 404 00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,434 Talk to me. 405 00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:31,572 Why the fuck didn't anybody tell me 406 00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:32,877 they were going out? 407 00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,228 Just a little Sunday drive. 408 00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:36,533 Sunday dri- 409 00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:37,752 Last time we went on a Sunday drive is when 410 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,666 you got that Vegas wake-up call and we 411 00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,494 had to bury that barista. 412 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,669 Who's in there? 413 00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,627 None of your fucking business. 414 00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,455 We're just having a little party. 415 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:46,804 [ankle bracelet beeps] 416 00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:50,504 Crap! 417 00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:54,899 Stogies, gummy worms, bleach... 418 00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,423 a brothel scam! 419 00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:57,206 I want in. 420 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,860 No fucking way. 421 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,601 You need my room, don't you? 422 00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,254 Fuck! 423 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,081 Ten per cent. 424 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:02,994 Twenty. 425 00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:03,734 Twelve. 426 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:04,344 Eighteen. 427 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,171 Ten. 428 00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:05,954 You're going down again. 429 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,086 You're pissing me off. 430 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,261 Fine. 431 00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:11,046 But I get to DJ. 432 00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,047 Yes! 433 00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:30,413 [♪ ♪] 434 00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,372 You're next sweetheart 435 00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:41,337 [♪ ♪] 436 00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:44,166 Ladies, we have a duck with rhubarb chutney, 437 00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,690 pan seared scallops with strawberry and bacon, 438 00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,171 and a little thing I like to call Joshy's Surprise. 439 00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,826 Just get us another round of mommy juice, 440 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,088 would you sweetheart? 441 00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,611 What's in the last one? 442 00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,136 Let's just say it rhymes with weenis. 443 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,093 Oh I know. 444 00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,921 No, don't, no. 445 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,314 Nice ass. 446 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,012 [laughs] 447 00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,797 [sighs heavily] 448 00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,410 Hey. 449 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,063 Dodge Caravan, right? 450 00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,587 Good memory. 451 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,545 Yeah, later's baby. 452 00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:23,118 Give me a double of pick-me-up. 453 00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,772 Oh, you tapped out already? 454 00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:27,601 Even Muhammad Ali needed some down time. 455 00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,299 Well, if you're floating like a butterfly 456 00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,215 not stinging like a bee, I could stand in for ya. 457 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,216 You couldn't get it up with a crane, 458 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,391 old man. 459 00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:36,784 Listen gherkin-dick. 460 00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,742 I've got a love pump that'll make Milton Berle 461 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,483 look like a girl. 462 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,050 You really think any of these moms would 463 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,574 pay to see your tiny, shriveled man-meat? 464 00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:47,577 Oh yeah. 465 00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:50,841 You call this puppy shriveled??? 466 00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:52,843 WHO WANTS SOME OLD SPICE! 467 00:19:52,843 --> 00:20:00,895 [♪ ♪] 468 00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:06,248 I bust my ass fourteen hours a day, 469 00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,337 and for what? 470 00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:11,253 Forty-four grand a year before tax, 471 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,169 free paper clips, and a gift certificate 472 00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:16,824 to Olive Garden come Christmas. 473 00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:18,478 You give and you give and you give, 474 00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,566 and no one ever thanks you. 475 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,697 I hear you Leonard. 476 00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,656 You see this painting, Larry? 477 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,918 Yeah. 478 00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,616 I used to look at this and see my dream ship. 479 00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:29,880 Now, I realize that painting 480 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,447 is the point of view of a 481 00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,145 man drowning at sea. 482 00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,670 It's a sea of shit, Larry. 483 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:42,589 All I ever wanted to do was help people. 484 00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:45,156 Then we have something in common Leonard. 485 00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,289 We can help each other to help Richard. 486 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,248 He needs a lesson, Leonard. 487 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,293 And the good guys need some payback. 488 00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:52,512 Umm. 489 00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:55,732 Oh. 490 00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:03,958 [♪ ♪] 491 00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:04,872 Twenty, forty, sixty... 492 00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,874 Just give me all of it. 493 00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:15,622 [♪ ♪] 494 00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:18,929 OK on your marks, get set... 495 00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,150 GO!!! 496 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:22,977 COME ON BABIES! COME ON BABIES! 497 00:21:22,977 --> 00:21:54,443 [♪ Rock You ] 498 00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,357 CRAWL! 499 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,227 COME ON! 500 00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,490 HEY 14 JUST PUSHED 11! 501 00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,448 THAT'S ILLEGAL! THAT'S ILLEGAL! 502 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,414 GO! GO! 503 00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,506 NAAAAAAAARK! 504 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,208 Alright Leonard, it's time to take back 505 00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:23,646 from the takers and win one for the givers. 506 00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,476 Now brace yourself for the most 507 00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,435 unhealthy home environment 508 00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,480 you will ever witness. 509 00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:40,315 Shhhhh! 510 00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,578 The babies are resting! 511 00:22:42,578 --> 00:22:44,493 No, No, No, this can't be! 512 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,369 Yeah. 513 00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:58,420 Ah! 514 00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:01,467 Oh! 515 00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:02,903 A ha! 516 00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,426 I can't believe I let myself get conned 517 00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,472 by this nut job. 518 00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:10,606 Let's go buddy, we've got work to do. 519 00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:13,435 [giggles] 520 00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:18,266 [giggles and shhhh-ing] 521 00:23:24,141 --> 00:23:25,142 [coughs] 522 00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:28,624 Smoked allegro with just a hint 523 00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:29,582 of summer leek? 524 00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:33,890 You guys are fucked. 525 00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,631 I can't believe you were right. 526 00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:36,980 Yes! 527 00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:40,027 Which is why I'm going to have to take the kid. 528 00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:41,028 What? 529 00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,551 What, no, no, you're supposed to 530 00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:43,465 give him a stern warning, 531 00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,032 a gentle psychological nudge. 532 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,296 Wai- yeah, how can you even think about 533 00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,516 separating Richard from his baby, 534 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:54,084 when you two have so much in common? 535 00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,001 How many months? 536 00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:58,828 What are you talking about? 537 00:23:58,828 --> 00:23:59,699 Your kid. 538 00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:00,787 The gunk on your collar. 539 00:24:00,787 --> 00:24:02,441 It's kid spew, isn't it? 540 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:03,572 Yeah. 541 00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:05,879 The sunken eyes, the pacifier in 542 00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,315 your pocket. 543 00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:09,839 Telltale signs my friend. 544 00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:11,493 Not sleeping much are ya? 545 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,755 Irritable? 546 00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,322 Unable to cope? 547 00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:15,976 I'm a 52 year old new father, 548 00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:17,456 what do you think? 549 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:18,935 You've been busting your balls trying to 550 00:24:18,935 --> 00:24:20,241 raise the little ankle-biter haven't you, 551 00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:21,851 and what do you get out of it in return huh? 552 00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:23,549 I feel your pain brother. 553 00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:24,593 We all do. 554 00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,336 You don't want to call this one in, Len. 555 00:24:28,336 --> 00:24:29,468 What do you say we 556 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:30,512 call a little truce, huh? 557 00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:31,513 You scratch my back, 558 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:32,819 I'll scratch yours. 559 00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:35,082 Everyone deserves a little "me time." 560 00:24:35,082 --> 00:24:36,126 Um-hmm. 561 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,614 Oh for F-! 562 00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,224 Why is it always me? 563 00:24:47,224 --> 00:24:50,227 Oh, a gay dad. 564 00:24:50,227 --> 00:24:52,229 I did not see that coming. 565 00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,450 Well, gotta pay the bills somehow. 566 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,634 Well, I need a drink! 567 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,596 Okay blah, blah, blah, alright, oh, oh! 568 00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:13,512 "And after careful observations involving random check-ins, 569 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,992 it is clear to me that Richard Fitzpatrick is 570 00:25:15,992 --> 00:25:18,168 a loving father and the appropriate 571 00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:21,128 legal guardian of his child." 572 00:25:24,044 --> 00:25:25,088 Dipshit. 573 00:25:25,088 --> 00:25:27,743 Well, we raked in almost seven large. 574 00:25:27,743 --> 00:25:29,528 Should be enough to get our fleet back. 575 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,182 Which I tucked away in a place so shitty 576 00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,533 no man dare ever look. 577 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,710 Ah, speaking of which, I still want my cut! 578 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:39,668 This is progress, Richard. 579 00:25:39,668 --> 00:25:41,452 I think on some level you raised these finances 580 00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:43,498 for your child. 581 00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:45,544 So I would like to propose a toast. 582 00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:48,590 To Richard Fitzpatrick, the greatest new dad in town! 583 00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:51,245 Hear! Hear! 584 00:25:51,245 --> 00:25:54,553 Where is the little shit anyway? 585 00:25:57,817 --> 00:25:58,818 Oh. 586 00:26:03,997 --> 00:26:04,998 Fuck! 587 00:26:06,434 --> 00:26:09,568 Someone stole the fucking baby!